I miss my daughter so much💔

The day of her memorial. That day broke me💔

At the moment of writing this, I am consumed with grief and I feel like I’m drowning. Because of this grief, anxiety coupled with insomnia and stress has emerged in a suffocating way.

My daughter, my sweet, precious baby girl is gone and she’s never coming back. This week I would’ve been 36 weeks pregnant, the home stretch until we met our love in human form. Instead, she came in the second trimester…way too early and was too tiny to survive. My sweet sweet girl. Her name was Olivia Amari and I miss her so much. My heart aches and yearns for her to still be here but she’s not.

I’m going through a very rough time. It’s gotten worse because her estimated due date of March 7th is fast approaching. My husband and I believed she would’ve come earlier. She was going to be a big girl. My sweet sweet girl. At every ultrasound she was measuring ahead and was VERY active. I mean, doing headstands, fully stretched out, back flips kinda active. I knew she wouldn’t stay still like her dad😀. That girl could move. She loved dancing already. This was shown by one of her ultrasounds where she was literally dancing in there.

The first time we saw her heartbeat was at 6 weeks. It was the most magical thing in the world. Seeing my husband cry while looking at our little beanie made me fall in love with him all over again. I knew he was going to be an amazing father to our little girl. The way he would talk to her and kiss my belly were such pure moments. I miss those moments so much. My pregnancy was very ROUGH. I had the severest form of HG. I was hospitalized at one point. A picc line was inserted to get the multiple medications I was on. I had multiple ER visits and couldn’t eat. I lost about 40+ lbs and was vomiting 30 times a day on the low end. I was on bed rest for 5 months. These things does not even start to describe what I went through. Before getting pregnant is another story for another time because trying to conceive was not without its own obstacles.

Losing a child is the hardest thing a human being will ever experience. It doesn’t matter the manner in which that child is lost. IT SUUUUUUUUCKS! My heart is beyond broken. My mind is constantly racing. My body is now dealing with grief. I am also experiencing insomnia, anxiety, and panic attacks. I wish this on no one. All the plans and hopes and dreams we had for our girl are now in limbo. When we found out we were expecting, our lives changed immediately. We began focusing on ensuring our sweet girl had the best life possible. The planning of her baby shower, gender reveal, daycare, future schools, where we wanted to live etc. It was a fluster of “omg we need to do this”, “omg we need this” etc. My husband was so excited about purchasing her stroller and whatever other “tech-ified” gadgets he was looking to get. His excitement made my heart even happier. He was also beyond stoked to dress her up😀 saying she would be “the best dressed kid on the block”. but she’s no longer here… our sweet sweet girl. So many plans, so many dreams and it all went out like a light.

When our girl died, we both made the decision to not blame God and to cling to Him instead. It’s not his fault she passed but for whatever reason he allowed it to happen. I’ve sometimes found myself asking God if this was a test of my faith in him.. but what kind of test is this, if it even is that. We’ve been clinging to God and trusting that he will bless us again. However, I did find myself angry with him just a few days ago. I literally screamed at God. I think my mind broke a little bit in that moment and the grief was suffocating me. After I calmed down, I apologized to God and asked him to forgive me for getting angry with Him. At that moment, I decided to surrender everything to Him…again. I was clinging to him since Olivia died. Yet, I realized that day I was still trying to navigate grief on my own. I can’t. I need God now more than ever. So I surrender everything to him, I’m taking my hands off the wheel and letting him be God. Because only God can be God.

I’m in a place of isolation right now. I know it’s the grief. I need to allow it in order to move forward and get better. I feel like I’m drowning fighting against a strong tide pulling me under, trying to surface to catch my breath.While going through this, I do not want to talk to anyone. I do not want to see anyone. I’m allowing myself to feel whatever it is in the moment it’s happening. I am trying to focus solely on seeking God’s face. I have no plans but allowing myself to take it one day at a time.

When you lose a child, you don’t ever get over it. I’m learning you have to learn to live with it. You get through to the other side stronger than before. This post is probably all over the place but it’s reflective of my state of mind at the moment. I just really miss my daughter. Mummy and daddy loves you so much. Our sweet sweet girl🩷

When Olivia died, I thought all of our plans died with her but they didn’t. We have to and will keep pushing. We have to get stronger each day, for us, for each other, for her future sibling(s). It’s hard but as long as God’s got us and we got each other, we will be okay.

Dedicated to our first, our sweet girl:

Olivia Amari A.🤍🩷

September 19th, 2024.

Xoxo,

Mummy🤍