This past week was topsy turvy for me. I’m 6 months postpartum without my daughter. I miss her so much, words cannot begin to describe the pain and emptiness. Grief on it’s own is a beast but grief mixed with postpartum is a different kind of monster. Your body and mind are going through all things postpartum but there is no baby. There is no manual on how to deal with this.

Losing your child is THE worst thing a person can experience. You have all this love and nowhere for it to go. I’m a mother with no proof. I’m a mother with no baby.

September 4th, 2025, I gave birth to our second daughter, Zora. Our little Zozo-bean. She was born prematurely and lived for 1 hour and 32 mins. If you look at me today, you would never guess I’m 6 months postpartum. You would never guess, I recently lost my baby. You would never guess I’m battling grief. You would never guess, unless I told you. I guess I should thank God, that I’m no longer looking like the nightmare I’ve been through in the past two years. 11 months before Zora, we lost her sister, Olivia, prematurely as well.

I’m a mother of two but they’re no longer here.

This is what grief looks like:

• Leaving the hospital without your baby. Twice in my case
• Your milk supply coming in and no baby to feed it to
• Coming home to her things and the memories of the pregnancy and she’s not there
• Feeling a crushing weight of sorrow sitting on your chest, that sometimes you can’t breathe…literally
• Reading about other abusing/illtreating or killing their babies/kids, go on to have more and asking God “so these are the people who are getting blessed with children?”
• Dealing with people staring at your stomach every time they see you
• Dealing with peoples’ insensitive comments & trying to remember I know Jesus, so I won’t tell them something disrespectful
• Isolating yourself from everyone because you don’t want to hear how “strong” you are
• Bawling your eyes out daily because the grief can be overwhelming and all consuming
• Wrestling with God and trying not to get angry with Him.
• Not being able to be around newborns and when in an area with them, having to hold it together. (For the most part, I’m okay now but there are some days I’m not)
• Begging God to not let you go through this again because it’s waaaaay too much to handle
• Sleeping with your daughter’s hospital blanket just so you can smell her scent still
• Rewatching your daughters videos and pictures 10,000 times a day
• Falling asleep with your daughters baby album clutched to your chest
• Being prescribed antianxiety meds
• Some days being okay and feeling guilty for being okay because your baby is gone
• Your heart breaking watching your husband deal with his grief for his baby girl
• Not giving a ____ about others discomfort surrounding your baby’s death
• Hugging your daughter’s little dress to your chest
• Being heartbroken that your daughter didn’t get a chance to live
• Getting angry because your pregnancy was beyond rough and it was all for nothing
• Going numb and not feeling anything at all. No emotion
• Wanting to run away with my husband, somewhere far away
• Your mind replaying your daughter’s last breath, on a loop
• Your mind trying to block out what happened that sometimes it feels like it was all a dream
• Being in therapy weekly
• Your faith wavering and asking God daily to not let you get angry with Him
• Mental and emotional anguish
• Physical, mental, emotional exhaustion
• Tuning people out, very often
• Taking it one day at a time
• Zero tolerance for BS
• Asking God to not let grief consume you
• Being suffocated
• Losing both my daughters 11 months apart, in the same month.

I wish this pain on no one.

Abi🤎 Olivia & Zora’s Mommy💞